How Can I Be Happy If I’m Not in Control? ©

I've Been Thinking Woman

Photo from: zazzle.co.uk

I confess, I ‘m a closet control freak. One day I might come out of the closet – that’s if I can find my way through all the stuff in there. (I said I was a control freak, not a neat freak!)

As a child, I really wanted to control my world. But I was little and female. Tantrums, in my efforts to be “the boss” were swiftly crushed by my mother. My older brother had way more power than me – and he never hesitated to taunt me with it.

But even he didn’t have the kind of power I thought he had. When he was only 13, my parents sent him to boarding school to shape him up, civilize him so our mother would be proud of his behavior. (He had been acting out, in typical teenage boy fashion.)

Whoa! I thought, “Keep your head down and follow the rules, or the same thing will happen to you!” So I followed orders – “be a good girl, get good grades, and take care of your brothers”. I saw how the world worked. Big people had power. Big people controlled the order of things. It was important to play along until I was big.

So for a while, I played along. I did what I was told – mostly – and the world continued to turn in an orderly fashion – at least on the surface.

Chaos beat down the door of our “Father Knows Best” existence when my mother died suddenly. I was 17. At 18, I’d finished high school; my dad had remarried and moved my younger brothers to Saskatchewan. I was all grown up and on my own. There was no one to tell me what to do.

What freedom I felt to be in charge of my own destiny. I could stay out all night, eat whatever I wanted, and do my own thing. Who-Hoo! In control at last!

Of course that euphoria lasted about five minutes – once I remembered that the food I was so fond of cost money, plus it was a bit too scary staying out all night if I had no place to live. The refraine “No work, no eat” drummed in my head as I pounded the pavement looking for a job, any job.

Then, of course, the big boss was in control. Damn! When would it be my turn?

I thought I could control my first husband, then my second – that was like trying to teach the proverbial pig to dance, it was impossible; and it annoyed the hell out of the pig!

It has taken me many years to realize that while I will never have control over anything, I do have some measure of control over my thoughts and my state. I might never be certain of any outcome or result, but I do have some say about my choices and my actions. (I’m still undecided about my control over my closet!)

While I continue to be disgusted that I have no control, I’ve surrendered to happiness in the moment. At this moment, I have a lovely cup of tea – Earl Grey – with a touch of vanilla and milk. The sky is blue, the grass is green, and the birds are singing.

I’m happy – even though I have no control!

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